This week’s “What if…?” assignment from The League might be the most self-indulgent, fanboyish one yet–because honestly, what do fanboys love more than sitting around imagining alternate realities for their most beloved fandoms? In case you haven’t noticed already WE’RE GROWNUPS WHO PLAY WITH TOYS.
As tempted as I was to write a “What if…?” scenario involving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I decided that between the comics, cartoons and movies their universe is already so friggin’ wacky my “What if Raphael accidentally killed Leonardo in a blinding fit of rage?” idea wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch, which would be missing the whole point of this exercise. (Also I already covered that in my super secret fan-fiction and no you cannot read it.)
Instead I decided to plunder from one of my all-time favorite movies, The Karate Kid.
I chose The Karate Kid specifically because to me it is one of those rare movies that is so ingrained into pop culture (not to mention a permanent fixture of my childhood happy place) that it’s above criticism. As far as I’m concerned, there is not one bad moment in this movie, freeze-frame ending, cheesy dating montage and all. It is PERFECT. Perfect for me to poop on. Sorry, I don’t know where the hell Triumph came from.
I give you:
What if Daniel lost the All Valley Tournament?
Well, obviously we’d never get The Karate Kid Part 2 or Part 3, which is heartbreaking in and of itself, but here’re some other things that would probably happen:
Ali would get back together with Johnny.
We know from Part 2 she broke up with Daniel on prom night, so you know she’s a two-faced bitch anyway.
Mr. Miyagi would take some time to re-evaluate his priorities.
Because he realized he just spent months training some punk kid karate FOR FREE and it was all for nothing.
John Kreese’s stock goes up.
The Cobra Kai Dojo flourishes, enrollment is at an all-time high (as are sales of black gis).
The Cobra Kai vow to remain dudebros for life.
In ten years they will invest in something called “America Online” and become even more disgustingly rich. Dutch, always the loose cannon of the group, will lose his fortune to hookers and blow.
Daniel’s mom finally caves and moves them back home to New Jersey.
Mrs. Larusso begins a slow, downward spiral of shame and resentment and starts drinking heavily after realizing her pussy son caused her to give up her dream so easily.
Daniel gets laid, becomes a man.
Presumably by Judy or one of those other car-chasing sluts. He never mentions his humiliating defeat and resumes whatever social status he originally left behind. I bet you thought this wouldn’t have a happy ending, didn’t you?
Freddy would still wear awesome shirts.
Like the classy one with the ‘Two Pigs Fucking’ motif you see here.
In this alternate Karate Kid world, Johnny is no cream puff!
Wondering what this is all about? This week’s assignment from The League of Extraordinary Bloggers was to write an alternate turn of events for a pop culture storyline. Go read some of their amazing/terrible ideas:
- Predictably, more than one blogger covered Star Wars. Check out these entries from Random Nerdness, The Dork Horde and Of Flying Monkeys and Ewoks, Oh My!.
- The Goodwill Geek didn’t write much about The Gremlins vs. Critters, but the concept is so awesome he doesn’t have to.
- The Man Who Stares at Toys writes a whole lot of words about Aliens. I read most of them.
- The Claymation Werewolf dares to ask: What if Todd MacFarlane had created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?