This year I ever-so-carefully prioritized my stash of Halloween candy such that trick-or-treaters received candy in the order of my least to most favorite, leaving me with a plentiful supply of leftover Candy That I Actually Enjoy Eating. The downside of that brilliant plan, however, is that I’m ashamed to admit over the past few days I’ve eaten through an entire bag of Starburst.
Go ahead and judge me. But at least I learned something valuable from the experience, albeit something dark and sinister. I learned there is a massive PINK STARBURST CONSPIRACY afoot.
Look, we all know Pink Starbursts are the bomb diggity and the reason we buy Starbursts (unless you’re one of those communist Red Starburst people, in which case, you’re going to have to work a little harder at earning my trust) but after tearing through an entire bag of Starburst only to get about a 10% return on my investment, this latest experience has left a bad taste in my mouth. Well, actually it left a delicious, slightly sour fruity taste in my mouth, but shut up, you know what I mean.
According to this fellow Pink-Starburst-loving guy who actually called the Starburst Candy Helpline (side note: Holy shit there’s actually something called the Starburst Candy Helpline??), Starburst claims you have an even 25% chance of unwrapping each of its four flavors. Well I call bullshit.
Do you see this photo? DO YOU SEE IT? Out of an entire 10.58 ounce “Fun Size” bag, I got a measly five Pink Starbursts. FIVE! This shit is unacceptable.
Do you know how it feels to be strung out on fruit chews, tearing your way through pack after worthless pack of Reds, Oranges, and Yellows (and the dreaded Double Yellow combination) praying for a glimpse of that flirty pink wrapper? For a glimpse OF HOPE? If you’re really lucky you’ll find not one but two of those little pink squares in your Fun Size pack. There is no greater feeling of victory.
And while I’m on the subject, let’s talk about Pink Starburst’s flavor and how it tastes NOTHING like Strawberry as it purports to be. Seriously, what the hell is that flavor? I’m convinced it was chemically engineered to be an addictive but unidentifiable combination of tropical fruit flavors that seduce your tongue like a succubus, each bite unleashing a dribble of melony-sweet juices that tease and tease and tease but never satisfy. The world’s scientists are spending billions of dollars on the Large Hadron Collider in pursuit of the elusive God Particle when I’m pretty sure all they have to do is reverse-engineer a Pink Starburst to find it.
Now the real mystery, my friends, is why Wrigley Company refuses to sell bags of all-Pink Starburst. I’m definitely not the only one who feels they should:
You can’t even buy Pink Starburst in bulk. Look at all the other candies that have wised up and begun to offer individual flavors/colors. An all-Pink Starburst offering is practically a Breast Cancer Awareness marketing campaign waiting to happen. Do you hear me, Wrigley? I’m telling you this is a winning game plan. Please stop torturing us with a product that’s only 25% (if that) delicious. No, the Red, Orange, and Yellow Starbursts aren’t terrible–quite enjoyable, actually–but as far as Pink Starbursts Enthusiasts like myself are concerned, the other colors are mere filler and act as a collective spoiler that turns your Fun Size packs into a wasteful guessing game in which we are forced to buy a whole bag for a lousy handful of Pink.