*Disclaimer: I do not ever say things like “squee” or other words usually belonging to the vernacular of 12 year old fangirls, but felt the disclaimer was necessary to save me from having to explain myself to idiots who can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic.

Here’s what all the fuss is about:

If the trailer is any indication, I believe New Moon is going to suck and suck hard, but it’s really not the filmmaker’s faults. My lack of enthusiasm for the movie can be blamed on author Stephenie Meyer’s dreadful source material. For your convenience, and for my own personal amusement, let’s re-cap Meyer’s super-epic plot to the sequel of Twilight, shall we?

  • It’s Bella Swan’s birthday and her vampire friends throw her a party at their digs.
  • At the party, Bella gets a paper cut.
  • Jasper, one of the newest vampires, can’t control himself when he sees the blood.
  • Predictably, he goes into a rage and lunges for Bella.
  • Bella’s sexy vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (pause to swoon here) saves the day…
  • …But then tells Bella he must leave her forever in order to keep her safe, then peaces out.
  • Bella can’t handle him leaving and goes all emo, borderline suicidal.
  • That’s okay though, because there’s yet another sexy guy, Jacob Black, just waiting around to take Edward’s place.
  • And Jacob just happens to be a werewolf.
  • Jacob tries to get Bella to “drop that zero and get with the hero” but she ain’t havin’ none, and continues to mope around and do reckless things, like ride motorcycles and go cliff diving.
  • At some point Jacob the Werewolf saves Bella from Laurent and Victoria, two random vampires turned villians, recycled from the plot of Twilight.
  • Then out of nowhere, thanks to some weird, poorly-explained mixup courtesy of Edward’s sister Alice, who can see the future but fucks it up somtimes, Edward thinks Bella committed suicide.
  • In true Romeo and Juliet fashion, Edward decides he can’t live without Bella either, and runs off to Italy to kill himself too.
  • But Edward’s a vampire, and suicide is easier said than done. Rather than try to explain about the evil Volturi and the other bullshit secondary characters that Meyer pulls out of her ass when she needs a plot, Edward’s suicide attempt can best be expressed as: DEATH BY SPARKLES.
  • Just in the nick of time, Bella saves Edward from exposing himself thus saving him from the Volturi and there’s a big dramatic reunitement scene.
  • Some other unimportant crap happens in Italy, then Bella, Edward, and the rest of the vampires return home.
  • Bella wants desperately to become a vampire, and so she calls a Superfriends meeting where all the vampires take turns voting on whether or not it should happen.
  • And like the ending of Twilight, Meyer recycles the same “does Bella become a vampire or not?” cliffhanger in New Moon.
  • The end!

It’s mind-blowing stuff, I know. If you really want, feel free to read my less than glowing review of the New Moon book over at Amazon. It’s just all so ridiculous, even for a fantasy book based on vampires. Most of the book’s 563 pages is spent with Bella, as she pines away for her lost vampire love, and let me tell you, it was hell reading through page after page of this:

“I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.”

So by default, New Moon the film should at least be a slight improvement over New Moon the book, if only because the nature of the media spares you the literary torture. But Hollywood isn’t dumb. It knows there’s good money to be made by catering to the overzealous female fanbase that made the first film such a success. Twilight fans want hot vampires, mushy romance, and plenty of Rob Pattinson screen time. Make no mistake, New Moon will be one big fangirl orgy from start to finish.

But why take my word for it when you can read real reviews of the trailer written by (what I hope are) teenaged girls?

“ok WOW!!! new moon is going to be AH-Mazing, i love kristen’s face when she say ” kiss me” her eyebrow is funny! and the werewolf, i didnt even expect it to be that big, but OMg i love it!! but taylor GOOOOSSH!! i thought he was Hott, now he like fire! but edward was really sad!cant wait! woooo and bella looked eally pretty”

“The part when she got the paper cut and jasper tried to get her but, edward pushed her was so intensed i was like O.O”

“omg omg omg not going to faint but omg. that as freaking awsume. may i faint from how hot jacob is. p.s. i think the wolfy looks friendly”

“OMG! This movie looks even better than Twilight! It’s driving me crazy cause I wanna see it so bad! Idk if I can wait for November 20 to come! Btw: Jacob, so hot!”

Well there you have it.