Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage, back to the early 90s when a lesser-known music video channel known as The Box used to exist. With the tagline “Music television you control,” The Box let viewers call a 1-900 number to pay $1.99 to play any music video through its automated phone system, using numbered codes that flashed on the screen in between songs. The entirety of The Box’s programming consisted of full-length, uncensored music videos that other viewers had paid to request and there were little to no commercials. It’s not hard to understand why this was totally fucking awesome compared to, say, MTV, which edited the hell out of their videos, if they were even playing videos at all.

Here’s a circa early 90s promo for The Box that someone uploaded to YouTube:


As you might expect, the most popular music videos on The Box seemed to be the ones with the most explicit content–the ones MTV would cut down to practically nothing, or outright ban. The Box was educational, to say the least, for curious, young teenagers like myself. I can remember many hot summer days spent hanging out at my friend Gina’s house, glued to The Box on the 19″ television in her basement, well out of earshot from her mom who would have grounded her and sent me home if she had known what we were watching. (My parents, on the other hand, didn’t seem to mind if their thirteen-year-old daughter was exposed to simulated sex and close-ups of booty sweat. Thanks Mom and Dad, for being you.)

Here’s a round-up of the top five dirtiest videos I can remember getting frequent rotation on The Box (and it should be obvious that extreme NSFW warnings apply):

#5 – “Short Dick Man” – Gillette


Just in case you aren’t clear on what these lyrics are supposed to mean, Gillette helpfully acts them out by scrutinizing a number of different men’s crotches with a magnifying glass, measuring tape and video camera as they dangle and thrust their man parts in her face. Thanks to this song and video, I knew that size mattered before I even really knew why.

#4 – “Come Baby Come” – K7


Yo dawg, this song is STILL slammin’ in 2013! That’s what I’m planning to say in my YouTube comment, anyway. K7’s (whatever happened to this guy, by the way?) video for “Come Baby Come” is typical of the period and starts off relatively tame, you know, despite being for a song called “Come Baby Come” which means exactly what you think it means. Just a couple of bros shootin’ some b-ball and dancing around in matching outfits while scantily-clad women jiggle their breasts and K7 licks ice cream off her–WAIT, WHAT? You tricked me, bros!

#3 – “Put ‘Em On the Glass” – Sir Mix-a-Lot


Sir Mix-a-lot was evidently a big fan of the 1992 sexsploitation flick The Bikini Carwash Company, or at least that’s what I gather from this video. Only the rapper of “Baby Got Back” fame could write a whole song about women rubbing their big, soapy breasts–oh excuse me–lungs up against the windshields of luxury cars.

#2 – “Pumps and a Bump” – MC Hammer


This is the infamous M.C. Hammer video that was banned from MTV for being too sexual, as Hammer is shown prancing around in only a tightly-fitting speedo that barely conceals his raging hard-on. He thrusts and gyrates his banana hammock around a harem of girls who all have spectacular bumps as they dance poolside in pumps. In some of the shots Hammer turns to the side and you can totally see it, not that I was looking that closely or anything, or pausing the video after I taped it just to make sure.

#1 – “Pop That P*ssy” – 2 Live Crew


Here it is, the mother of all dirty rap videos. If I have to explain this one, you might be asexual.

Thanks, The Box, for teaching me SO MANY THINGS!