Career women everywhere: celebrate your climb up the corporate ladder with a mug that tells the world, “I know how to type 65 words per minute.”
Yes, that’s right, this mug is AMAZING. And not only because it features an awkwardly-posed Gena Davis lookalike. Stare into the faces of these ambitious shoulder-padded working women and tell me you don’t feel inspired to organize your boss’s Rolodex. (Fun fact: did you know you can still buy Rolodex’s? Who the fuck is still using a Rolodex?)
The fact is, this absolute time capsule of a mug was manufactured in 1991, but it was purchased in 2017 from an actual store that sells actual products. It’s very existence is an impossibility. And yet it’s here, in my hand. My fingertips glide over its glazed porcelain, which is smooth but somehow rough at the same time.
Retail value: six dollars and twenty five cents.
Internet points: Priceless.
You always hear those urban legends about people who randomly shop at a K-Mart or Sears one day to find toys or video games from the 80s or 90s, still in their packaging, now worth hundreds of dollars on Ebay. Whether it’s incredible luck or total bullshit, I’m not sure, but one thing is for certain — I have struck gold with this mug, my friends. GOLD. It reminds me of the type of prize you’d see in the back of an arcade redemption center, sitting on some musty shelves, covered in a thick layer of dust, which nobody’s ever won because it cost 30,000 tickets. It’s the kind of demoralizing token your boss’s boss, who can never remember your name, would buy you for Secretary’s Day–excuse me–Administrative Professionals Day. And it is glorious.
I especially appreciate the box this mug was packaged in, which informs me there’s an entire collection of mugs called “The Professionals” celebrating generic career choices.
Indeed, if you are a TEACHER, MAIL CARRIER, FIRE FIGHTER, LAW ENFORCEMENT, NURSE, DOCTOR, or LAWYER, you too can enjoy coffee from a similar mug with similar outlandishly tacky artwork. I would pay at least $6.25 just to see what the other mugs’ artwork looks like.
“The Executive’s Executive.” What does that even mean?
Here’s what I think that means:
At the end of a long day, Diane rubs her temples and removes her headset. It’s been catching on her Diamonique earrings all day, causing neck pain. But no time to think about that, she’s got a husband and two kids to get home and cook for. She looks down at her now empty, coffee-stained SECRETARY mug–a gift from her boss of 5 years–and sighs. Go ahead and buy those $42 silk pumps from JCPenney, girl. You’ve earned it.