Did you catch the series premiere of Doomsday Preppers on National Geographic channel last night? Talk about batshit. Did the producers intend for the show to be this hilarious?

(skip ahead to the poll)

Watching the show and seeing how most of these people live, it’s hard not to draw comparisons to Hoarders. You might even call the Preppers’ lifestyle “hoarding with a purpose.”

Take prepper Kellene Bishop, for example, who gave viewers a tour of her Orem, Utah home. She eagerly pointed out her multiple food closets: one for canned goods, one for snacks, one for meat… Yes, she has a fucking meat closet. She was also keen on spouting off random factoids that I assume were meant to justify her food hoarding habits, for instance, how the price of cocoa has “risen 300% over the last few years.” (It hasn’t. As NatGeo’s helpful on-screen infographic informed us, it’s actually gone down 30% since the end of 2011.)

Then there are preppers like 20-something Megan Hurwitt, whose tiny apartment is covered floor to ceiling with her “bugout” supplies. She’s got duffel bags full of knives, MREs, surival kits, and condoms, which she seems to feel are important in an end-of-the-world scenario. Then she casually jokes how when Shit Hits The Fan™ she’ll have no problem putting a bullet in her cat’s head to spare him the agony of living. How about just setting him free, bitch? I’m pretty sure if shit ever does hit the fan, cats will long out-live any human survivors. Later in the episode she puts her own survival skills to the test and fails miserably.

Preppers vs. Hoarders

Who will survive the apocalypse? My money’s on hoarders. Here’s why:

#1. Hoarders are already living in a doomsday scenario. The Preppers may have more food and guns stashed away, but don’t Hoarders already have the edge when it comes to survival? In many cases, their gas, electricity and water has already been cut off. They’re used to living day-to-day, scraping by on whatever (probably expired) food they have stashed around the house. And when that runs out, there’s plenty of stray cats around.

#2. Preppers are too fat. It’s hard not to notice how obese most of these doomsday preppers are. Do these people look like they could easily run? Is David Sarti a.k.a. “the Hillbilly Prepper” going to ride his tractor to safety?

#3. Hoarders are crazier. Yes, the preppers are pretty batshit, but hoarders can get downright scary confrontational when they feel threatened. I wouldn’t fuck with those people.

#4. Have you seen how disgusting Hoarder homes are? Between the dead cats, feces, and rotting food, who would even want to go scavenging there? Like whales that shit in the ocean to ward off predators, human filth is a hoarder’s most reliable defense mechanism.

#5. Keep on prepping—I’m taking notes. By being a prepper, you’re making yourself a target for the rest of us. Thanks to Doomsday Preppers, we now know who these people are and where they live. When shit hits the fan, guess whose house I will be raiding first?

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