Yesterday Nintendo turned out another epic yawn of an E3 presentation this year, to nobody’s surprise. We didn’t get a Wii U announcement for Zelda, Metroid, or any of the cool Nintendo stuff we Nintendo fans actually care about (besides the obligatory Mario game), but we did get a demo of something called NintendoLand.
Just what the hell is it? Wired explains:
There’s no theme park called NintendoLand, but one of the key launch titles for Wii U imagines what life would be like if there were. NintendoLand, set to be one of the key launch titles for Nintendo’s new game machine that it will launch later this year, is a collection of 12 minigames that each feature a unique spin on the console’s most distinctive new feature: The “GamePad” controller, which has a large tablet-style screen in its center that can be used to interact with the TV. Each of the games is a twist on a classic Nintendo franchise; some well-known and some obscure.
Great. So basically with we’re getting a cross between Mario Party and Wii Carnival set in a theme park and featuring characters from Nintendo’s B-list. For example, there’s a go-kart like attraction called Donkey Kong’s Crash Course, and Luigi’s Ghost Mansion, a haunted house multi-player game (okay, I’ll admit this one actually sounds kind of cool).
Being a disgruntled Nintendo fan, as well as a theme park ride enthusiast, I have a few of my own ideas about the types of mini-game attractions NintendoLand should include. And here are some badly-Photoshopped images to illustrate them!
Samus Aran’s Super Space Gravitron
Many Miis enter Samus Aran’s Super Space Gravitron, only one Mii ever comes out. It’s a battle against metroids and centrifugal force as you try to cling to the Gravitron’s walls to avoid certain death. If the metroids don’t kill you, the bottomless drop into deep space will.
Little Nemo: The Dream Master’s Dark Ride
I love dark rides like Disney’s Pirates of the Carribean, and Little Nemo: The Dream Master is a Nintendo game that would fit the bill perfectly for such an attraction. I mean, it’s about a kid having surreal fever dreams as he journey’s off to Slumberland where he encounters all manner of strange, talking creatures. In the Wii U minigame, you’d guide Nemo’s flying bed through a 2D side-scrolling dark ride with scenery representative of levels from Little Nemo to collect as many keys as you can while this music plays. Oh wait, I think I just described the original game.
Ice Climbers’ Drop Tower
In Ice Climbers Drop Tower, it’s a race against time and your opponents to climb and club enemies out of your way to the top of an icy tower where you’ll strive to be the first one to hit the release switch on a drop tower carriage full of angry, sweaty riders who are pissed off they just waited in line over two hours for an experience that lasts two seconds.
Blaster Master’s Bumper Cars
It’s just like regular bumper cars, except there’s a giant gun mounted on your tank-like vehicle which you’ll use to blast the everliving shit out of anyone who gets in your way. And there’s also an unlockable level where you get to play as Fred.
Mappy-Land Log Flume
A fast-paced, log flume chase that’s also part obstacle course inspired by Mappy-Land’s jungle level. Ride the logs down the flume as you jump to collect giant pieces of cheese and set off traps to throw the Mewkies’ log off-course.
Castle Shadowgate Funhouse
A first-person, adventure-style mini-game where you use the Wii U’s touch screen with commands like “Look,” “Open,” and “Use” to explore a haunted funhouse reminiscent of Castle Shadowgate. It’s not terribly exciting, so there are lots of pointless and unforgiving “Surprise!” deaths just to fuck with you.
Mega Man’s Blast Coaster
Mega Man and roller coasters are two of the most awesome things I could think of to combine. This mini-game is exactly like playing Mega Man, except you’re on a roller coaster. Pretty self-explanatory.
Birdo’s Spinning Teacups
Why? Because every theme park needs a spinning teacup ride. It’s like a rule of theme parks or something. The twist here is that Birdo randomly shoots explosive eggs at your Mii’s head, so you’ll need to do a lot of dodging and praying.
I know there’s a bigger chance of seeing an Anticipation remake for Wii U than there is of Nintendo ever including any of these games in NintendoLand, but hey, it’s fun to pretend.